Girlpower's Blog

Please if there is anyone out there that knows a trustworthy online pharmacy, then please help me and let me know. I need to buy some anxiety medication but I don't know who I should trust. So anyone who knows a legitamate site please let me know. Thanks. I greatly appreciate it.

My boyfriend is coming over to take me shopping. I need to get my work uniform, and some groceries. I don't have my car anymore, otherwise I'd drive myself. I love my boyfriend so much. Lately, I've just been beginning to realize he hasn't been cheating on me at all, it was just me not trusting him was the problem...now that I trust him things are so much better, it's like a fog has lifted from my eyes, now I can see the truth, unlike before where'd I be so paranoid making up lies and things in my head about him. I can't believe I used to be so crazy and not trust my own boyfriend! I think it's due to just the beliefs I used to have as a teenager- I used to believe you could never trust a young guy, I used to think that they'd always cheat on you. I don't know why I used to think that, I just know I used to and I sort of embedded this belief into my mind.. that's why I never wanted to date anyone close to my age, I always used to date older guys in their 30's and stuff. lol yeah, wierd, huh? Brady is like my first real boyfriend that is in my age range. lol And I love him so much, I could never see myself dating some older guy now. No way!

This is the most stressful month I've ever had. OMG. I found a job finally. I start work next week sometime, they haven't made my schedule out yet. I'm waiting for the call to see if I passed my drug test first, then I have to go to orientation. I wish I had the anxiety meds I need, why couldn't the doctor just write me the prescription?? I should be okay, I think. As long as I don't think about it too much. When I get my firt paycheck I'm buying the meds online. Anyone know of a reputable online pharmacy???

I can't believe this, I hate having anxiety! I am so stressed out over everything, I don't know what to do. I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday but it's at a free clinic so the doctors there for some reason don't usually prescribe the meds I need- which are Xanax or Colonopin. So, that's why I'm so stressed, I don't know how I could possibly get the medication I need! They've been giving me meds for depression which don't really work for anxiety.

I just applied for a job today through a temp agency for Rocket Foods. It's a warehouse job...hope they call me, the job doesn't start till July, I can't wait. Wish it was July now. My boyfriend's been like non-existant for weeks! I miss him so much...he's been really depressed lately. I tried calling him all week and no answer, finally just talked to him tonight. HE says he's going to put some gas in his truck and come over, but if it happens it'll be a miracle. :( Wish I had some money so I could go out and have some fun!

I don't want to be sick anymore. My stomach is killing me right now, the second worst pain I've ever felt from my stomach. The first worst pain was from an intestinal blockage. I could tell from pressing down on my stomach that there are movements of something that's causing the pain, at first I was thinking it's under my skin- like a parasite, but a skin parasite wouldn't cause that much pain...i'm thinking it's something in the muscles of my stomach. Epiphany!!!!!!!

Maybe I have a parasite that only integrates into your muscles and organs, and doesn't attach itself to the cell wall of the stomach, Since the test didn't find any there, that means it's attached in either my upper or lower intestines.(For those of you that don't know- MOST human parasites live in either your stomach, lower intestines, or upper inestines. However, there are the rare few that live in your lymph nodes, that one is not common here, so it's most likely I don't have it. Still, I am keeping all my options open, not closing any doors on any possiblities.

I haven't been feeling well all week, I've been having physical pain every day now! If this keeps up..I may have to start taking daily pain medication..uggh, I really don't want that because when I take my daily anxiety meds I sometime turn yellow- i know that's a sign o fliver failure or liver problems.(i'm sure it's from the parasites) Damn the parasites!! I wish I could get them out of my body, the faster I do, the better off I'll be and the better off they'll be- IN HELL!!

I found out the truth, finally. I pride myself in being so observant and having a photographic memory. ughh..good grief.

My ex/boyfriend/friend.. whatever he was, is and was cheating on me. I came across something that happened to be concrete, full proof evidence, thanks to my observation skills and my photographic memory and with the help of the events that took place that day, I'd call it divine intervention from God because I never want to go to his Mom's house..well, not usually, but that day I just wanted to go for some reason, so I did.(I thanked God, prayed to him in the shower for helping me..i prayed to him before to show me the truth, and now he's finally showed me.. I am so grateful to him because this is something I've NEEDED to know, it's been eating me inside for soooo long now.)

To be continued...

I just had a endoscopy done to find out why I'm sick. I have no answers yet, there is still more testing needed. However, they did find some red areas in my stomach and they took some biobsy's of it to test. I don't know what that could be..on the printout they gave me it says they are testing it for H. pylori, but I don't think that's what I have, I don't think H. pylori is what's making me feel as sick as I do sometimes. It can't be that simple. I know it's something more terrible. I just hope the doctor finds it soon, before I can't take it anymore.

A new year is here now, 2007. I didn't go to Hollywood after all, my brother didn't feel like going and I didn't feel like driving there in my car. You guys won't believe where I ended up! I don't want to tell....my ex's house. ahh!!! I feel horrible for giving him chances like this to spend time with me when he probably, ok, when he doesn't deserve it, but I broke down after him asking me to come over so I did. Anyhow, all in all we had a good time, I took a lovely picture of us kissing before the new year. I got this new HP digital camera for Christmas from my Mom, and I love it!! Now I can take all kinds of pictures and video too!

Now, I can't say where me and my ex stand, I still don't know how I really feel about it, so I can't say anything about how he feels. People, don't think I have forgotten about my suspicions of him cheating, I haven't, I will get to the bottom of it soon enough.

My cat, I missed my cat sooooo much, he stays over at my ex's house, it's just a temporary thing. Aww, I didn't take any pics of him. I feel bad, I should've took some to show you guys how cute he is. I promise I will next time I see him. P.S. Will post that picture up later in an edit. Goodnight all.

Nothing has happened yet...it's about 4 a.m here, early. I think I'm going to hang out with my brother tonight and his girlfriend, maybe go to a block party in Hollywood.

I will post an update when it turns 2007!

Why do I have so many problems in my life? I can't figure it out! :'(

Well, as you know things with my so called boyfriend have changed, we are like in a state of limbo I guess you could say. But still we see each other, I'm just not in love with him anymore...he doesn't know that though. He's hurt me too much now, that's why I don't love him anymore. I don't think it's possible.

So, I was over there for a while last night, when we we're about to leave to my house I saw a condom wrapper under his bed. I picked it up, of course,looked at itit had a big wad of gum in the wrapper, folded over, so I opened up and it was still moist, like it was used within at least 24 hours, it had a sex smell to it!!!! I asked him where'd that come from. HE said it was from me and you. But I knew it wasn't, we hadn't done it in about a week and a half. Plus it was a condom from a box that I had bought for him- for us to use. And he was out of them like a week ago, cause I was mad at him for not calling me back one day, so I went by his house and took back the condoms and Axe spray I bought him. Then I got rid of them at a gas station.

I acted like I believed him though, I didn't feel like getting into an argument. He never ever will tell you the truth when he is hiding something, so I knew it would be useless to ask more questions.

As we drove our own cars to my house I could feel my heart break into a million pieces, then it was numb. He stayed overnight, I avoided going to sleep with him, I stayed up on my computer. I din't want to allow myself to actually start having feelings for him again, because when I'm near him I'm in heaven and I love his scent, it puts me in a state of euphoria...definitely didn't want that coming back. No, no way! I am better off not being in love with him. I don't want to cry and be hurt all the time like before. I am so done with that. But, still it does hurt to know he's been cheating on me.

I hate him. I never want to see him again.
I never want to talk with him again.
I know I'm going to start feeling lonely, hurt, used, abandoned, that lost feeling, like your trying to paste the world back together again but in the dark, you can't even see the pieces. I thought.. he never loved me, from the begining. I should've not invested my heart into him so much. I thought maybe a miracle, things would get better, I thought I wanted to marry him and have kids.(that's scary for me just to type that out, God.)
I'm not too surprised though, I always suspected he was seeing other girls behind my back, just never caught him before. Nothing concrete...but I think this is pretty obvious, plus I saw his extra blue toothbrush in the bathroom, it was those travel size one's used by someone other than him of course, and it had two strands of bright red colored girls hairs on it. I asked about that, he said he used it to scrub the sink, but the sink hadn't been scrubbed it wasn't clean, nothing was scrubbed. He's so used to lying he could think one up in half a second to anything. Seriously..I've heard him say stuff to me that makes no f**king sense at all. It is so ridiculous, he really thinks I'll believe these things he tells me. When he would do this to me, for fun I would ask him all kinds of questions about it to see what he would come up with. And you could tell he would get all flustered from making up all these lies. LOL.. It was so funny! ha ha MY I.Q. is 127, I could pretty much always figure out if he was telling me a lie or telling me the truth.

I'm going to pray to have no tears for him. No sorrow, no hurt, no pain, no pine, no regrets, no feelings.
Not going to pray to forgive him though, I will never forgive him, now I will always hate him.
I wish I never went out with him! I didn't know he was a bad guy. If I would've known him better I would've said no to him. I'm going to do my best to ERASE him from my mind, COMPLETELY. :|

I first wrote this one in response to a comment from SabastianJoshua on another topic. I've made a few changes on it though. So here it is.


TREACHEROUS FALL

I heard you speaking...
every time I stayed,
I've always heard you,
speaking in tongues,
echoing a constant fervor


clouds of motion,
glaze,
sounds of emotion...phase,
thumpering heart to it's fate,
destiny calls


restless, breathless,
treacherous fall,
a splash of ocean in my face,
I'm buried happy,
my heart alone,
my eyes of tears hear the pain,
ocean cold,
a voidless void,
sands of comfort rub me numb


a slow moving picture,
a convoluted theory,
my never ending story...


apathetic twists,
and turns....
his contrived script effusion


pages in limbo,
lost...


my cold heart replicates,
his tainted pretty face,
my aspirations deny,
this once special place...

I hate being sick, so, so tired of it. I cannot do anything. I cannot do anything I want in this life because I am sick and the doctors haven't figured out why. People, let me tell you don't trust doctors, they don't know everything, so if you ever get sick, and the doctors say there's nothing wrong, yet you know there is and you can feel it everydauy in your skin crawling around, inside your throat, choking you sometimes, dizzy spells because you can feel them crawling in your head making your vision in your left eye blurry....well, that's actually how I feel, but if you know you don't feel right, stay persistant, and try and get some answers.

I have tried. 5 and a half years now. Too long for me to handle anymore. I am done. I am ready to move on. Hope my next life is a healthy one... People don't try to change my mind or anything, just accept it please, because it's too late for me, I can tell I am getting worse, my illness is afecting my brain. I wish it weren't but it is and I can't stop it! I am tired of being so f**king depressed all the time because of it. I want to LIVE!, like everyone else, a normal, happy, and healthy life! I don't think that is too much to ask for. Do you? Belive me if you we're me, I'm sure you'd be doing the same thing. I don't want to disgust you guys by going into details about my illness, all I will say is that I have some sort of parasite, one that literally goes EVERYWHERE throughout my body. I even looked at my blod under a microscope and saw them, they were all the same size, tiny, black and curled like a spiral shape. So they are even in my blood. I have gone to MEXICO many, many times on my own to try evry parasite medicine I can get, but still not better- plus I've seen alot of different doctors and been to a few different hospitals. ONe doctor at one hospital told me that I did have a parasite, only they didn't know what kind it was...and they fking released me!!!! The doctor gave me a script for Tylenol with codiene, that's it! He said they were going to send it down to another lab to try to find out what it was.. then that lab said it wasn't a parasite. I was like WTF!!!! The hospital should've called the CDC!!!!!! How could they let me go, just like that!! what if I'm contagious??? Which I do think I am, my bf even says he feels sick too sometimes and I could tell he feels the same way I do. So ppl if I'm not around anymore after tonight, I WANT TO WARN YOU ALL, BE CAUTIOUS, BE CAREFUL ON THE LOOKOUT, THERE IS SOMETHING OUT THERE, THAT NO DOCTOR OR HOSPITAL CAN FIGURE OUT, IT IS REAL, SO PLEASE, PLEASE, STAY SAFE EVERYONE!

It is scary..REALLY SCARY sometimes, my nose and lungs get stuffed so bad sometimes I can't barely breathe. I've had an intestinal blockage, went into shock, was rushed to the hospital in time though. My body has emaciated so much that I hate to even look at it anymore. My breasts have about trippled in size, I pretty sure from lymph node fluid, My stomach is bloated big time, I have dirreah everyday with blood sometimes, I get stomach pain so bad, my digestive system doesn't work so great anymore, my stomach will be so sore on the inside sometimes that if I were to press down on tears would come flowing from my eyes (that happened at the Gastro doctor)...I was supposed to do an endoscopy, he wanted it done, but I don'e have the money to pay for it. I would cut of my left arm to get the money for it, I really, really would. My Mom told me at first when we were at the doctors that she would pay for it- costs $1,500, but it's been about 5 months and still she doesn't have the money. She's always been the kind of Mom that doesn't really care for her children, she's into her own life soooo much, that nothing or no one is as important- except for her boyfriend or husband...or my brother, she's always liked my brother better that me. I t's been that way since I was little...I hate her, I really do...at least I know I absolutely don't love her and I never, never will.

I'll miss my bf, even with all the problems we've had (most caused by me being sick all the time) IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, SO, SO, NOT FAIR, I HATE LIFE, I HATE LIFE, I HATE ILLNESS'S THAT TAKE AWAY AND RUIN PEOPLE'S LIVES AND THEIR DREAMS. MY DREAM WAS TO BE A FAMOUS SINGER, HAVE A BAND- SING AND PLAY THE GUITAR, AND WRITE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL AND BRILLIANT SONGS. I'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS SINCE I WAS 14 YEARS OLD, I HAVE A FEW SONGS THAT I WROTE THAT I THINK ARE REALLY, REALLY, GREAT- MY THREE BEST ONES SO FAR ARE "OCEAN DEEP FOLLOWING", "REINVENTED", AND "PRETTY PICTURE". IT HURTS ME TO REALIZE THAT THE WORLD WILL MISS OUT ON MY MUSIC, CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THE ONLY REASON I WAS PUT HERE WAS TO MAKE MUSIC FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR. I DON'T KNOW/UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO SICK! SO SICK, THAT I AM READY TO BE DONE WITH THIS LIFE! GOD HAS CONFUSED ME.... I AM TOTALLY, TOTALLY HURT.

GOODBYE FRIENDS. LOVE YOU ALL.

I was just reading a post by Appletree and it helped me figure out some stuff I was feeling tonight, actually stuff I've been feeling for three years now. I commented to her:

Great post! Very enlightening...it makes me a bit sad though because I am finally starting to realize my bf is a real jerk. -----------------

Just tonight, I left his house, I was there for four days, the first two days were ok, the last two weren't. I left there tonight feeling hurt, realizing that I have been in a dream land- he really doesn't care for me and he takes advantage of me!!! ..and he knows he can because he knows how much I love him and I am so tired of it! I HATE how he makes me feel unimportant, how he ignores me, how he hurts my feelings, how he ignores my feelings, how inconsiderate he can be towards me, and how he shows absolutely no emotion.

Right now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I can't believe I've been with this guy for three years! My god! I've been completely pushing the hurt that he's been causing me deep down inside me...now I can feel it surfacing and I'm so scared to feel these feelings, I'm absolutley TERRIFIED because I know how much I love him. I've never loved anyone so much before...I told him tonight on the phone that I'm not going to be able to come over and visit him for awhile, because I have to look for a job-which is true I am looking for a job but I don't want to see him. Right now I feel like I never want to be with him again, the thought of him disgusts me. Apathetic, inneffectual, void!

I feel somewhat sorry for the kind of person he is though, because I think he is either oblivious to it or he just doesn't care. I am hoping that he is just oblivious because I would hate to think that a human being can hurt someone else so much, without any regard whatsoever. That would be just horrible, horrible, horrible.

I can say right now that I've lost ALL respect for him, lost ALL feelings for him, and lost ALL admiration for him. -------

I have to be completely truthful with myself though- I am somewhat of a shallow person too, the only thing I really admired about him was his looks. I know... it's sad, but true.

I cannot think of one good real quality about him...ever since we started dating I've felt this way about him- I would say to myself stay with him because he is so HOT, don't worry if he has no character, don't worry if he is too into himself, don't worry if he is morally corrupt, don't worry if he is a pathological liar, don't worry, don't worry, because he is mine and his looks are perfect, and I am so into him...don't worry that he is not soooo into you.

I made my mistakes by staying with him, but even through all my shallowness, I still felt that I was actually in love...could it be that it was just an allusion, my mind playing a trick on me into believing I loved HIM, when what I really loved was not HIM but his LOOKS?!!

I think so.

This is me and him together. :)




This is him by his beautiful self.

My boyfriend has been so wonderful lately. I love him so, so, much. God he is beautiful, not to mention really hot. lol I'm thinking of posting up a picture of him.I think we make a very cute couple. We're both very attractive so we look especially good together. :) (hope I don't sound too full of myself) Anyways, he's been giving me lots of attention lately..so unlike him. I love it! I think he's realized that I exist!j/k yay!! He was over three times this week so far, stayed the night and everything, and we even got breakfast in the morning. Life is good. :)

Having boyfriend problems again. I'm not surprised really. I don't excpect us to be happy carefree because my boyfriend is always pulling something out of his hat to cause us problems. And I hate problems, there is always SOMETHING. Why can't he just be happy and we can have a peaceful and loving relationship?!! Always conflict, conflict, conflict. Right now he is playing this game where he says he needs space. I don't know what the hell that means! Or why! Why does he need space..and for how long! It's been about two weeks and I've seen him twice, first time was for about three hours, second time was for half hour. Uggh. What is going on! I need to know. Is he trying to break up with me?! If so why doesn't he just say it, instead of torturing me. I can't stand this any longer. I miss him! I really, really miss him!

I went to my grandfather's funeral today. It was quite sad, I cried.

I gave him an orange stone cross of mine to be buried with. I would pray with it when I got sick, many, many times..

His casket was a beautiful sky blue color.. real nice, with blue white tipped roses.

I didn't know him well but I could tell that he was a great guy.

I enjoyed being able to see my Dad's side of the family since I don't get to see them much. All my little cousins and everything, their all so adorable. I love my family.

I am really sick and I don't know what to do. I am having trouble breathing again, but this time it's really bad. I can't even lay down to rest because every time I do I start to choke. And I gagged while laying down now there's throw up on my bed and another spot on my floor. My ears hurt so bad, they feel like they are going to pop. And my back and neck hurt real bad too, it's so very painful. I am scared. I am waiting for my Mom to bring me some sleeping pills but I'm not sure if I'll make it. And I don't want to go to the hospital really because I've been there before and they don't do anything for me or take me seriously. My face is turning red every so often from not being able to breathe so maybe they would help me. But I dread calling an ambulance... I am so tired of being sick, 5 years is too long. I feel like giving up on life and turning my oven on and leaving the door open. Seriously.

I have been very happy with my boyfriend lately. I had a long talk or yell to him about not spending enough time with me and he really understood. He said sorry and we told each other not to forget how much we love one another no matter what, even if he doesn't see me for a few days. I promised I wouldn't forget. He is such a wonderful guy. I realized the so many great qualities he has that can be so hard to find in a guy. Well, enough about him now. lol

Well, I talked to my boyfriend last night..I tried to hang up with him before I burst into tears but to no avail he asked me what was wrong. I said the usual thing- nothing. He asked again- I said nothing. ( I didn't feel like talking about it) Finally he said we need communication if we are going to work. Uggh..I said I missed him, and he said he missed me too and was wondering why I didn't ask him to come over. I told him I didn't want to bother him, and he said you're NOT bothering me. He asked me if I want to come over today when he gets home from the doctors office. I said I don't know. Which seemed to bother him...well, I don't know what to do now. On one hand I want to see him but on the other I don't. I do love him sooo much though.

I am going to try and date a different guy, and dump my boyfriend of three years...or at least give it a good try. I love him but he just isn't there for me..and he could care less. The worst is he acts like he doesn't care aometimes and I get hurt and confused..that's how I feel now. I haven't spent any quality time with him for three days now..he just doesn't seem to have any time in his day or night for me. It hurts for me to say that but I need to write out the truth. We were in bed together when I saw him last night but after that I was like non- important and he was glued to his computer. He always does this...he is so immature for 29, he doesn't understand what spending quality time is. What really bugs me is that he can spend hours playing ping pong or video games with his brother, but when it comes to me we don't do anything! I am soooo tired of it! I don't deserve this..and I know for a fact I could find a way better guy than him but I stay because I love him. Lately though, I am noticing that my love for him is starting to fade...I don't think he's the greatest thing anymore(sadly)..I think he is a coward and a creep..that's what I think of him right now. So I've decided I should find a different boyfriend or I'm going to steer myself into a ditch. I wish I could stay with him..but I can't change him, only he can change himself and it doesn't look like he wants to.

I am going to dump my boyfriend...he is so horrible. For a guy he can be the cruelest and I've had just about enough of that! Today, oh my God, let me tell you he is such an asshole. So, so insensitive to my feelings. I feel like running him over in a big monster truck..seriously. Awhile ago I was so upset, it took me half hour....

Well, I'm back with my ex, it's only been a few weeks now, but something just isn't right. I don't think it's going to work out, he can be so insensitive sometimes. I don't understand him. I try, and try, and try, but to no avail he is still the same guy with all the same problems and hang ups we had before.
It's tuff on me because I really love him and want to be with him, and I try to actually WORK on our relationship. But when it comes to him, he just doesn't see the problems or why they're there. He mostly blames me for everything...
For instance he gives me like almost non-exsistant physical affection; he changed after about a year into our relationship, he just stopped...but there was never really much affection from him to begin with anyways, which I talked to him about and told him I needed that and asked why. Actually, today I asked him why wouldn't he hold me last night or when we took a nap this afternoon and he said two different things. Can you believe him?!?! First he said it was because he was too hot, then he changed it to because I'm too nosy and looking at his phone and going through his wallet. Which is true, I did do those things(which I do regret, but I don't think that would've changed anything) last night but only because I wonder...I REALLY, REALLY WONDER, WHY! Why won't he won't hold me, hug me or kiss me here and there. I'm always the one that has to go hug him, go kiss him, or go hold him...and that is starting to hurt me alot emotionally. I deal with it though, like the way I used to- by blocking my emotions out until it gets too much for me and one day I just start crying and crying, and I just think how much I HATE him, and how he stole my dignity out from under my feet, and how he could care less that I'm so upset...because it's not his fault, he did nothing, so than he'll tell me to stop crying, and if I can't he leaves the house.

WHAT A TOTALLY WACKED OUT RELATIONSHIP!!!..I already know..ughhh. God, help me.

I know I seem so bad already, seeing a married guy and all(that has stopped though)- but I really am a good person.
I do drugs occasionally, meth to be exact. Though I don't do it like most people would think, I use a needle, I shoot it. This horrible, horrible, addiction/habit I got from my ex-boyfriend. Though, I think it could be a lot worse. I only do it on the weekends mostly. Thank god not more so.
And, I'm a catholic! I feel so ashamed to even call myself one. I need to redeem myself, cleanse my soul, but I just don't have enough drive right now to do that, because I have so many problems going on in my life right now, I couldn't even begin to tell you.
For one I miss my ex, but I don't want to really get back with him and get too involved, I don't want to get hurt like before. So I try to keep a good emotional distance from him when I do see him. He really isn't such bad guy, I just love him so much, that I get too sensitive when I'm around him. The slightest thing he does sometimes in a bad way could hurt my feelings, then I pull away emotional and shut myself off- then I get angry at him. Which, by the way I hate. I know it's mostly my fault for the problems we have, or at least it feels that way sometimes, but we do love each other very deeply. That's why I am back with him, we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend again..but I feel in myself that I have to be careful around this situation so I don't get myself hurt like before, just in case things don't work out. I would marry him though, I love him that much, and I would like to have children with him.
The other problem I have is that I've had health problems for five years now, having to do with my stomach/gastrointestines, and something like that takes alot out of a person, at times I just want to escape from it all, and that's where the drugs come in. I use them to escape from my problems, to relieve stress, hopelessness, ect. I also use alchohol to deal with it. But I think finally I am getting somewhere with the doctors, thank God.
My other problem- I lost my job last week..that's been putting tremendous stress on me..I have bills to pay and stuff, so I need to find a job fast.
And last, but not least my dreams of becoming a singer seem to be diminishing more and more because of all these problems I have, and that REALLY puts me down, I want to perform, but with all these things going on in my life right now it just seems impossible. I feel my dream slipping away, and that hurts the most.